The Three Traumas of Romance Fraud: Healing from Deception, Grief, and Financial Loss
Romance fraud is not merely a financial crime; it inflicts deep emotional wounds on its victims. In this blog, we will explore the three significant multi edged traumas of romance fraud: the psychological trauma resulting from deception, the grieving process of losing a relationship and the often devastating financial impact. By understanding and acknowledging these traumas, victims can begin their journey toward healing and recovery.
1. The Psychological Trauma of Deception
The emotional scars left by romance fraud can be profound. Victims often experience a range of emotions, including shock, anger, shame, and betrayal. Deception is at the core of romance fraud, as victims discover that the person they thought they knew and loved never existed. This realisation can lead to trust issues, anxiety, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in some cases.
The psychological trauma can extend beyond the immediate aftermath of the fraud. Victims may find it challenging to trust or open up in future relationships. The fear of being deceived again can hinder their ability to form healthy, trusting connections, making it crucial for survivors to seek therapy or counselling to address these issues.
Alongside the emotional manipulations of Grooming, Love bombing and Trauma bonding, all used to create the soul mate type connection we all hope to encounter in life, social engineering is then employed to further the fraud. The first group of behaviors are commonly seen in relationships where domestic violence is prevalent and academic research not only shows the devastation caused by the emotional and psychological abuse, but shows the parallels and links between the two experiences (see the work of Dr Elisabeth Carter and Dr Cassandra Cross). When combined with coercive and controlling tactics (also often part of domestic abuse), the long lasting trauma is entrenched. Social engineering is a manipulative technique used by individuals to deceive others into revealing confidential information, performing actions, or making decisions that they normally wouldn’t. It often involves psychological manipulation and relies on exploiting human psychology rather than technical vulnerabilities. In the context of romance fraud, social engineering is used to flip the victims thinking and to entrench the idea that the fraudster is the good guy and to implant ideas which will aid the fraudster throughout the ordeal.
Romance fraud victims often experience a range of negative effects, feelings of betrayal and heartbreak. One thing all victims of Romance Fraud have in common, are their amazing qualities as humans. They are the kind of people you would want around you in your life; trusting, empathetic, respectful, kind, generous are but a few. Having these qualities used to deceive you can shake you to the core. When a victim of romance fraud realises they’ve been deceived, the psychological impact can be overwhelming. Trust, one of the fundamental building blocks of a relationship, has been shattered. This leaves victims grappling with an array of emotions. The double edge to this part of the trauma is loss of confidence in their own judgment.
Shame and Self-Blame are prevalent. Victims frequently blame themselves for being party to to the deception. They may feel ashamed of their actions and fear judgment from others. Scammers will have worked hard to undermine family and friends relationships in their usual behavior of isolating a victim. Feeling safe to open up about the fraud when acceptance comes can be extremely hard and the current stigma of victim blaming in society does nothing to alleviate that. Victims may isolate themselves, fearing that they’ll be deceived again. Victims need to process their emotions, rebuild self-esteem, and regain trust in themselves and others.
2. The Grieving Process and the Loss of a Relationship
One of the most heart-wrenching aspects of romance fraud is the grieving process, as with any relationship loss. However, relationships created by narcissistic personalities which are mirrored by romance fraud scammers, are intense. Victims must come to terms with the loss of a relationship which has occupied sometimes hours of their day and night, filling a void which presents as a black hole. On top of that, we have to understand and accept that the relationship never existed and neither did the person who centred themselves in our life. The person we fell in love with was a fictional creation, a cruel illusion and was nothing more than a mask. We actually end up grieving twice. This is why the trauma is so deep and hard to recover from.
Grief can be a complicated, long-lasting process. It involves not only mourning the loss of the relationship but also processing feelings of humiliation and self-blame, we lose our sense of self. This process following romance fraud is a complex and challenging journey. Reactions to grief can happen in any order and also be repeated.
Denial: Initially, victims might deny the truth, clinging to the hope that their online lover is real despite evidence to the contrary. Sometimes in our subconscious, we know something is wrong but admitting that means allowing the tsunami of pain that will follow; hearts can take time to align with what we know in our head.
Anger: As reality sets in, anger often surfaces. Victims may be angry at the scammer, themselves, or even the circumstances that led to the deception and rightly so. Platforms and governments have woefully let down citizens by showing not one ounce of care to help minimise what is a prolific industry. I have not yet seen ONE genuine effort to stop fake profiles being created, removed on reporting or even basic use of new technologies to eliminate thousands of duplicate images on fake profiles.
Bargaining: Some victims may engage in what-ifs, wondering if there was a way to prevent the fraud or make the scammer change their ways. Scammers want the victims to remain in contact and can try various methods of follow up scams to keep a victim engaged. Filling the void for the victims can psychologically, be preferable to the emptiness.
Depression: Grief frequently leads to depression, as victims mourn not only the loss of the relationship but also their own vulnerability and the betrayal of trust. Having other victims to talk to can alleviate some of that pressure.
Acceptance: Eventually, victims reach a point of acceptance, recognizing that the relationship was not real and that healing is possible. Once this stage has been reached, the victims often becomes a warrior and fraud fighter in their own way and this is a great thing. These survivors and warriors are our army of awareness to explain the process to others and protect them.
Many individuals struggle with a profound sense of humiliation and self-blame during this process. They may believe they should have seen through the deception, leading to self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy. Support groups and therapy can be invaluable for victims working through these emotions and helping them find closure. Arming survivors with the tools to navigate future connections can help to empower them for the future. Telling victims to stop talking to people online or not to use online dating, simply takes away their choices and isolates them further. Empowerment comes from learning how to walk amongst the bad guys and not let them bother us. We must give them HOPE, as one of our friends so eloquently explained recently at a conference. We all need hope.
Thoughtful and explanatory campaigns, such as the National Trading Standard’s collaboration with Friends Against Scams, explains beautifully the parallels between the coercive and controlling behaviour of abusers in domestic abuse and the methods and behaviours used by criminals in fraud, you can view this here. For victims, well thought out campaigns such as these, help with healing, as knowledge is gained about the process they have been through.
3. The Financial Loss and Its Impact on the Future
Financial loss is a harsh reality of romance fraud. Criminals often exploit their victims for money, leaving them in dire financial straits. The financial consequences can be significant, from emptied bank accounts to accrued debt.
The long-term impact of financial loss can be crippling. Victims may struggle to regain their financial stability, affecting their ability to meet basic needs, save for the future, or plan for retirement. Addressing these financial issues often brings further trauma as most organisations do not understand or refuse to acknowledge the reality of this fraud when approached by the victim. Sometimes bankruptcy is the only way forward.
Addressing these financial consequences involves practical steps like budgeting, debt management, and, in some cases, pursuing avenues to recover lost funds. Victims can again be hindered as this recovery can in itself cost more money to initiate, in the rare cases this is an option. It can be a long road to regain financial stability, but taking action is crucial to prevent these losses from casting a shadow on a victim’s future.
Romance fraud leaves victims with a complex web of psychological, emotional, and financial trauma. Recognising and addressing these traumas is an essential part of the healing process. Support networks, therapy, and resources like LoveSaid are vital for helping victims rebuild their lives and find the strength to trust and love again. By understanding the profound impact of romance fraud, we can work to prevent it in the future and offer better support to those affected.